Tag Archives: seven habits

It’s not someone else’s fault. It’s YOURS.

26 Sunday Mar 2017

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Almost every book I have read on personal development suggests that one key method for massive personal success is to get up at stupid-o’clock in the morning, strap on your trainers and go out of the front door to greet the day with a run. The first thing I note about such books is that they are frequently written by Mid- to South-Californians and not the Welsh. I would challenge any Californian to get up in Brecon at 5AM in December, strap on their Magnum boots and go for a skiddy run-fall-snap.

The other thing I note is that early morning for those NOT self-employed, childless and of independent financial means is a time of stress, trying to get ready to comply with the quite reasonable expectations of their employers and children, in whatever order. Bearing in mind that the old 9-5 day became the 8-4 some time ago if you wanted a parking space, and for the same reason the day is quickly becoming a 7-3 if you don’t want to park half a mile from your workplace, a 6AM run would only last 5 minutes anyway.

Yes, I know there ARE people who love that early run but we are not all the same. I tried an early run twice and it was miserable, even in summer. For me. Mid-day, early evening, love it. 6.30AM – shove it.

Hyrum Smith asks, “What do you do for the magic 3 hours from 5AM to 8AM?” To be frank, I usually sleep for the first two.

Which brings me to another reason I hate early morning runs. It’s my wife. When I wake up, the wife does, too. If you’re as lucky as me, when you wake up together you have an opportunity to hold each other for a while before you get up. I am not willing to lose that for an exercise opportunity.

The funny thing was that because of all those books, I started to blame t’wife for my failure to exercise because I didn’t want to deprive her (us) of that cwtch*. I wasn’t running because of her needs. It was her fault I was fat because I don’t run in the dawn gloom.

Blaming other people for our failures to execute in some life areas is easy. It absolves us of responsibility for what we aren’t doing that we know we should be doing. But that is a slippery slope, because one thing all the PD writers say that I absolutely agree with is that We are responsible for our situation, even if that responsibility lies only in how we choose to respond to our situation.

In other words, I am able to choose whether t’wife or an early morning run is the more important thing I need to do (I should rephrase that…).

I am able to decide what job I seek, even if I can’t dictate what I am expected to do when I get that job. I can decide how I respond to an imposition, and do a good job even though I didn’t want that (part of the) job in the first place.

Therefore, let me state quite clearly – I CHOOSE not to exercise in the morning. Just as, at the moment, I am choosing not to exercise at all. Which is a choice I must choose to change, and quickly, because I can’t find a reason not to. Damn it.

Oddly, when I am away from home I routinely go for a half hour on a treadmill at 6AM. Maybe it IS her fault after all………

In life, we are responsible for our decisions. Let’s make good ones but not just because someone promotes something that sounds good – it might not suit our situation and even if it might, what we gain may not be worth what we lose. Like cuddling a warm bum on a winter’s morn.

 

*Look it up, it’s Welsh.

Purpose – and process.

09 Tuesday Aug 2016

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Interim blog this week, just to keep you all refreshed.

The company that owns the intellectual property rights to The Seven Habits®, FranklinCovey, currently utilises an interesting diagram to illustrate a ‘process’ through which people can come to properly apply the 7 Habits Principles in their circumstances.

That diagram is this:

7H Egg

(Copyright © 2016 FranklinCovey, Inc)

I absolutely endorse and believe in the process that this diagram so beautifully illustrates, and suggest that whatever life philosophy you choose – and I recommend the 7 Habits® as a great one, and the Three Resolutions® as a viable alternative – this process is the method you should use to properly adopt that ‘new way’.

First, as with any philosophy or plan, you have to truly decide, genuinely and freely commit to whatever you have elected to apply. Without that commitment there will be no success, only something you can ‘talk’ about but which you don’t walk. (Yes, I know………)

Then, apply Jack Canfield’s Principle ‘Act As If’, and start to model fully what it is you tell others you ‘are’. This is where integrity is born. This is where, even if you wander off the chosen path, you recognise that there is a path and you want to be walking along it. You ‘do’ what you have elected and promised to do, even if while doing it you feel as though there is a secret, internally felt element of pretence about what you are doing. You “fake it ‘til you make it”, but you do so specifically in order to make it, not to just seem to be making it. If that makes sense. (It does to me.)

That Modelling of your ideal ‘you’ is then reinforced until you are no longer faking it – you are doing it, you are doing it consistently, and people around you can see just how committed you are. In fact, they might not see it because they have accepted that it IS you. There is no change evident – you have arrived, so to speak.

But nothing happens without first making that commitment, so the advice I give in my book The Three Resolutions remains valid – do not commit until you are truly willing to put everything into your performance of your adopted philosophy.

And once you have done that – remember the above illustration.

 

If you haven’t done so yet, please visit Amazon HERE and ‘Look Inside’ to see more about The Three Resolutions and how it might change your life on your own, better terms.

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Why I ‘HATE’ Mindfulness

19 Saturday Mar 2016

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Mindfulness is defined by that source of truth, Wikipedia, thus: “In this (Buddhist) context mindfulness is defined as moment-by-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, characterized mainly by “acceptance” – attention to thoughts and feelings without judging whether they are right or wrong. Mindfulness focuses the human brain on what is being sensed at each moment, instead of on its normal rumination on the past or on the future.”

In essence then, and to be extremely simplistic, mindfulness is chillin’ and living in the moment. It is escape from the influence of ‘things’ and ‘stuff’ that clutter our mind in the moment. It is removal of the spirit from having to deal with the interference of ‘life’. In that sense, it can be a valuable tool in dealing with said clutter.

But I find ‘Mindfulness’ to be exceptionally annoying for two reasons.

The first one is because at any one time, in WH Smith (a UK bookseller) on their Personal Development shelf you will find up to 26 different titles on the subject. I once joked that I was going to write a Mindfulness book but everyone else already had! Some of the titles are even quite amusing:

‘Mindfulness at Work’ – no doubt your employer likes you to NOT be working when he or she is paying you?

‘Mindfulness in a Minute’ – if you’re in that much of a hurry you can’t afford to switch off, surely?

‘Mindfulness for Dummies’ – least said about that…..

There is even a publishing sector creating COLOURING BOOKS, adding ‘Mindfulness’ to the cover and adding £6 to the price. Talk about the Emperor’s new Clothes!

But the things that really concern me about ‘Mindfulness’ is its almost cult-like promotion, to the degree that it is being touted as if it’s the answer to all ills and behavioral challenges.

Mindfulness has its place, without question. But it is an incomplete paradigm, dealing only with escape from, rather than dealing with life. Instead of letting people understand that seeking meaning and passion in what you are or are going to do with your life is desirable, it implies that the answer is, instead, removal from reality. Which is almost a nonsense because the minute you ‘wake up’ reality is still there, and always will be.

Many respected, esteemed and dare I say intellectually backed authors agree – the answer to stress and challenge is not removal from life, but discovery of meaning. Frankl, Covey, Kouzes, Sinek et al all repeat the same discovery, that of facilitators and researchers from time immemorial – that meaning and service will always outweigh challenge and defeat (di)stress.

I am honoured to be able to provide Seven Habits-style training to schools and I believe this, not Mindfulness, is a better solution. It covers training such as how we see things influences how we respond, so seeing differently is an answer. It covers proactivity, where we address how our responses to stimuli can be our choice, not just a reaction. It covers discovery of a life’s purpose/mission and plan, then how to make that happen. It covers interpersonal relationships, leadership, and self-renewal. It is a complete package. (But I freely accept that it may not be the only one.) Mindfulness has its place in that ‘suite’, but it is not a whole solution by any means.

So I ask people: it’s all very well having a screwdriver but that won’t undo the wheel-nuts. Mindfulness is one tool, with a valuable purpose. But wouldn’t you benefit more from a fuller toolbox, instead?

If you’re going to pay for training, make sure it isn’t narrowly focused on one thing – which is arguably nothing – when discovery of meaning, and a plan to realise that meaning, is a holistic solution.

David Palmer is a Facilitation Partner with The Learning and Development Academy, which provides leadership training to students, schools and charities while simultaneously earning income for Caritas Anchor House, a charity providing accommodation AND leadership training to the homeless in London (www.caritasanchorhouse.org.uk ). If you would like to know more about the training they provide for schools, charities and leadership teams, please contact David on 07531 177201.

The secret to a great relationship. Shut up and Listen!

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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“Listen – lest your tongue will make you deaf.” Stephen R Covey (from an old proverb).

Listening is the hardest skill in the world, for a number of reasons. First of all, it isn’t taught in schools. You are taught three other communication methods – reading, writing, and arithmetic (which is a communications tool, in a sense), but you are only told to listen, but never taught how.

Secondly, we have a tendency to listen only with the intention to reply, to the degree that our reply is yelling inside our head even before the other party has fully made their point. I see this on all political affairs programmes when someone starts to make a point and the (ideologically opposed) other party butts in quite rudely to accuse party one of saying or thinking something they haven’t yet actually disclosed. (It’s also standard fayre in television dramas where the eavesdropper only hears what the drama requires they hear, instead of staying to hear it all – like real people. I digress.)

But hard as it is, it is often quite informative and interesting to just shut the hell up and listen. If the other party has something important to say, it’ll be worth hearing. If they are going to make a fool of themselves then the same applies.

You cannot challenge a party’s thinking if you haven’t taken the time to fully hear and understand what that thinking actually is.

In less combative scenarios, shutting up remains important. I’m writing here about, ahem, domestic situations. Occasionally, when one’s partner starts having a rant about something you are doing, have done or are about to do wrong (usually this applies to a man!), the temptation – oh boy, do I know this – is to react defensively and, to quote the old joke, that’s when the fight starts.

It is occasionally better to let the moment pass, use the gap between stimulus and response to use your self-awareness, imagination, will and conscience and just say nothing. Accompanied by the audibly sucked in sigh, I grant you. But shut up all the same.

Doing that requires competence in the application, but character in the thinking behind it.

As I have espoused here, allowing yourself to stop and think that you may be wrong is a way of developing intellectually. But allowing others the brief belief that you are wrong, when you are not wrong, is a way of ensuring that a relationship stays on course.

Let the moment pass, and let your actions clarify and show the accuracy of your thinking, while at the same time demonstrating sensitivity to the emotional state of the other party.

Not easy. But application of The Second Resolution is a great way to stay married.

For more on The Three Resolutions, go HERE to read the first pages of the book.

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Life’s too short to wait to ….. (enter here what you’re not doing)

01 Sunday Nov 2015

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“You may delay, but time will not, and lost time is never found again.” Benjamin Franklin

I chose this quote from the ‘father’ of time management to reflect how much I recognise that procrastination can be an obstacle to my success, although I don’t do it as much as I think I do. I put procrastination off whenever I can.

I was recently at an event run by John Grant, the founder of the YB12 – Your Best Year Ever brand, the brand of which I am proud to be a part (see HERE) and as he was speaking I made the following note on my course workbook:

“I don’t have time to wait to be the best I can possibly be.”

I am 53, with a birthday next month. Optimistically, that’s only 4 years older than Stephen Covey was when he published The Seven Habits. Realistically, I am 35 years older than Jenson Button was when he entered F1, so that’s a dream that isn’t going to happen.

Back to my point. We all have futures, most of us plan for them. Some have detailed plans, others have an ‘idea’ of where they want to go and will get there. Some have no idea. (Some of those wear sports clothes but never break into a sweat unless running from the Law.)

For so many, me included, the recognition that we have a future, and accidents and illness aside a fairly lengthy one, means that we also subconsciously perceive that we can put things off ‘just a bit’, as if we’ll still have the same amount of time left to complete that action as we had when we put it off! A day here and there doesn’t matter, after all. Or does it?

In our culture, a day frequently becomes a week – something we put off on Monday was “better done on a Monday so I’ll do it next Monday.” A diet starts on the first day of the month, so that’ll be next month.” Or a birthday. Or “It’s November the 1st today. Year’s almost over, and Christmas is around the corner, lots of planning to be done, etc. etc. so I’ll set some New Year’s Resolutions and start on Jan 1st.” Except we also know that Jan 1st means coping with the feelings, chocolates and booze left over from the night before and the 1st becomes the 2nd, and in no time at all – “Where has the year GONE?”

The likes of Bill Gates†, Steve Jobs, Ghandi, Franklin, Lincoln, Churchill and so on (pick your own) didn’t procrastinate. They took action. They took action and achieved more than most of us ever will, in some cases with no computers, no Internet, and no electric light . They maximised their use of time through planning and by NOT putting things off.

We all have a future. For some it will be longer than for others, so there’s no equality there.

But we all have NOW.

Use it better. ‘Cos it just passed you by at infinity times the speed of light. Another one went while you read that. And that. Ad infinitum.

† I like it when personal development writers use Gates and Jobs as examples of people who succeeded without a degree. Pause. They were at Ivy League colleges. Clue: not cheap places, having money and connections helps, and they had to have passed seriously hard exams and processes to get in. The degree was a given, if they’d stayed.

*If you want to stop procrastinating, and live reasonably close to South Wales, consider this as a valuable opportunity to learn how to stop procrastinating and get what you want in 2016.

https://threeresolutionsguy.com/total-focus-workshop-january-2016-south-wales-uk/

Do It NOW!!

14 Monday Sep 2015

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Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: That the moment that one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material substance which no one could have dreamt would have come your way.

I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

W H Murray

You may have noticed the additional page on this website relating to my new business project (I have many and that is but one), specifically this one. I have just come away from a magnificent three day training and marketing conference and the above quote now means more to me than it did when I first heard it. It is a core personal development quote but for some reason (and I hope it is permanent) it made more sense this past weekend. As advised by my latest coach and mentor I am going to learn it by heart – and keep it there.

Then I have to go forward and apply it to every single deed I commit.

Does this conflict in any way with my PMS, my adherence to and reverence for the Seven Habits and the Three Resolutions? Of course not! The foundational tenet of those particular philosophies – indeed all principle-based personal development courses/books/trainings/websites – is that because they are principle-based, they are UNIVERSAL. Therefore they apply everywhere – the words and the brands don’t matter as much as what they are trying to communicate.

Incidentally, my advice has hitherto been that those new to PD should seek advice and (unless, like me, they intend to be teachers in that field) select one philosophical ‘school’ to follow, because while none conflict in intent and desire, their respective methodologies can be diverse and one can easily fond oneself trying to ‘comply’ with an informational, philosophical and methodological overload.

My advice – follow The Seven Habits and Three Resolutions.

But whatever you do, do what Murray said – COMMIT!

Know WHY you act as you do – so you can do it better.

03 Friday Jul 2015

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“Out of private victories, public victories come. Stephen R Covey

Both the 7 Habits and The Three Resolutions promote the concept of ‘progression of competence’, whereby while seeing that we develop along a continuum from a low level of execution of each (Habit or Resolution) to wards excellence, we accept the simultaneous presence of the traits of each (Habit or Resolution) at different levels of execution regardless of the individual’s acknowledgement or recognition of any of them. By that I mean whether you know it or not, you have a level of competence in each Habit or Resolution, whether you like it or not, and whether you pursue it or not.

This means you don’t have to learn the Habits/Resolutions in order because you are already applying each, all the time, and at varying levels of skill. You may not be very proactive (Habit 1) but might have a passionate purpose around which you manage your time fairly well (Habits 2 and 3), and you might be disciplined in exercising your body while being a poor manager of a service organisation to which you are dedicated. You are exercising all facets of the concepts (7H-3R),  but at varying levels of skill.

But because you have no understanding of the progression of the concepts, you are not performing as well as you might – and probably want to.

In both cases, fully understanding and executing on a Habit/Resolution will have massive impact on your ultimate success. To use a poor analogy, you might be able to read, but if you don’t understand the big words then you’ll get by, but you won’t thrive intellectually as much as you might. ‘Those who don’t read (well) are little better off than those who can’t read’.

(I like the title ‘NLP Practitioner’, used by those certified in NLP. My understanding of NLP is that we are all ‘practising it’ – we have to, it’s psychology allied to physiology – but not having paid the £2,000 to get the course, we aren’t official ‘Practitioners’.)

With either the Three Resolutions or The 7 Habits, I encourage you to read and understand the ideas. Both provide a continuum from self-mastery to inter-personal success, which means knowing and deciding (designing) who you are so that you can serve others better.

And when the others know you as well as you know yourself – the world will be your lobster because you’ll be accepted, respected, acknowledged – and trusted.

Stop making excuses, you! (Meaning me.)

06 Saturday Jun 2015

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Stephen Covey, author of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People; Restoring the Character Ethic”* was once asked how he was getting on with his own compliance with ‘his’ philosophy. His reply probably astounded the interviewer.

“I’ve made a good start.”

The interviewer probably couldn’t immediately understand that answer – Stephen had written the book, after all. Why wasn’t he compliant?

I don’t know what his answer to such a question would be, but the last couple of weeks have identified my own. Since I came back from the USA I have gained a bit more weight than I find acceptable because I am eating too much, or the wrong things. A couple of family celebrations impacted that but there’s no excuse – I’ve reverted to the old me and I have not been observant of that part of my PMS that deals with self-discipline (and self-denial).

Occasionally this is because life gets in the way, for example when there are a multitude of social events piled up together, which makes it easier to justify (rational-lies) the inability to remain disciplined. But that’s no excuse – it’s time to lose that weight and keep it off properly.

I have discovered that my ability to focus has warped over the last few years, the unfortunate influence of time off times accessibility of social media – the paradox being that social media is now a business essential!

I have just become involved in a new business venture, early days, and I do find that my ability to study has been influenced by that loss of focus – instead of dedicating hours to study I’m only managing an hour at a time. No problem, I’m getting there but I need to reprioritise and do other things at better times. (I discovered that the ability to do stuff in gaps ‘at work’ is less attractive when you are the one paying yourself. Instead of shopping when the mood takes me, I need to shop AFTER the priority stuff has been completed!)

Do you experience these things? Scattered focus instead of meaningful concentration? The influence of ‘life’ over the ‘life plan’? If so – welcome to LIFE!

That is possibly what Dr Covey experienced when he said he’d made a good start. Life got in the way, and occasionally it was right to let it do so.

But not all the time.

Anyway, as a permanent reminder I now have the Three Resolutions as my mobile telephone cover:

Phone Blog

Every time I pick it up I get the Resolutions, then the “First Resolution” part of my PMS on the screen. I have no excuse. Even when life calls me on the phone my PMS will be in my face.

R1

If you have a reasonable sized PMS you can get a mobile telephone cover and have the PMS added. It’s a conversation point!

*The Character Ethic is the reason I detest ‘celeb’ TV. If only more of them had Character as well as personalities……

Be wise – buy the right book. And keep it.

30 Tuesday Dec 2014

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“What is wonderful about ‘wisdom literature’ is that, to the degree that we find patterns, consistencies and themes, it represents the most validated database in all human experience. To ignore it – not to try to learn from it – would seem an absurd disregard of resource.” Stephen R Covey

I have friends and family who deride my reading of wisdom literature. Yet they are good people. So – did they learn how to be good people by accident, or did they learn from good people how to be good people? And, if so, what is so odd about such people writing about what good they represented and exercised, so that those who did not get such wisdom taught, could learn from it.

Numbskulls.

Intelligent people read. They read what serves them and they read in an effort to discover what might serve them. If they read something that is out of kilter with what they believe, fine – at least they are better informed. But if they discover, as I did, something that astounds them – what an incredible opportunity for the next part of their lives!

I’ve pointed out before that books like The 7 Habits are rarely seen in charity shops. That book, to use a relevant example, has sold 25,000,000 copies. I think I saw one copy in a charity shop, once. Other books of that genre, including TimePower by Charles Hobbs (not the title-stealing version by Brian Tracy) I have still to see.

You see – and this is a guess because researching it would be impossible – books like that are seen by those reading and owning them to contain valuable, revisitable wisdom.

That’s why I have a library full. And Dan Brown goes back to the charity shop where I got it.

If it wasn’t for ‘people’ …….

31 Monday Mar 2014

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I have a tongue-in-cheek saying for my own role in a public service sector, and many readers will sympathise a little (in private) with it. It goes

“If it wasn’t for the public this would be a great job.”

They call us expecting us to deal with their problem as if it is the only problem we have to address. They see the TV and how things are sorted in half an hour (minus ad breaks) and expect us to do the same. They also seem to think that we don’t have time off at weekends and after hours, like they do.

But in absolute fairness, if it wasn’t for ‘people’ life would be a little humdrum. When you think about it –

“Everything we do, we do for someone, because of someone, or with someone.”

Consider your own circumstances. In truth, is there anything you do that does not come under one of those headings. Think broadly, because things you think you do on your own usually require either direct or indirect involvement of someone else – perhaps, for example, the inventor of the equipment you are using. (I lose count of people who hate ‘personal development’ books because they are ‘so American’: I ask them to give up their computers because they are pretty much American, too. Microsoft and Apple pretty much run the world in computer terms, after all.)

So, realising that all you do is because of, for or with the help of someone, perhaps your attitude towards the interference of ‘people’ in your life should mellow, just a teeny bit.

Then you can start to Think Win-Win with people, as per Habit 4 of the 7 Habits. That’s a whole new challenge! On courses I have attended, when asked what Habit 4 is, participants often shout back ‘Win-Win!’ and have to be gently corrected because the emphasis is as much on the Think as it is on the Win-Win. Habit 4 is the mindset of the Public Victory; Habit 5 (seek first to understand, then to be understood) is your part in the Technique, and Habit 6 (Synergise) is the combined execution that brings the desired result.

Just entering into a conversation, negotiation or situation with the mindset of mutual satisfaction with an end result makes a massive difference to the interaction between people – even the ones who you don’t want to interact with. So here’s a question Dr Covey used when he sensed the beginning of a dispute (for example with someone who opens with ‘the policy is….’).

“What is the nature of your concern?”

This requires an answer that comes from behind the initial objection to you getting the result you need. It asks, “If this policy is preventing us from agreeing, what is behind the policy – what caused that policy to come about?” All too often, the policy is designed as a safety blanket to prevent a problem that will not necessarily apply in your own situation, and is therefore changeable ‘just this once’ because a sense of trust and understanding – resulting from your own approach in Think Win-Win – allows it.

People – treated with respect and understanding they can be soooooo much nicer…….