Tag Archives: integrity

100-Day Challenge, Day 66. Truth Hurts. A lot.

04 Monday Sep 2017

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I have long been an advocate of integrity excellence, a fundamental (but not exclusive) element of which is honesty. The principle of truth, spoken loud. The valued exercise of telling it like it is, even when doing so discloses, as Al Gore would put it, an inconvenient truth.

And the inconvenient truth on Day 66 is this: while I maintain that the Principles of Excellence in the physical and mental spheres always work, I have failed to work the Principles. I have known what to do, but I have failed to do it.

In my defence, the ‘excellence’ I have sought to perform in the competencies I look to possess has resulted in my being appointed a ‘Masters Mentor’ with the Institute of Advanced Motorists, and I look to produce high-quality work on a professional level. I still do my funky thing for all those I seek to serve.

But physically I am a wreck. I am no further forward in terms of weight loss from Day 1. Exercise-wise I have the genuine reason of a knee injury which, as much as I tried to compensate through different approaches to exercise, just got too painful to move. Even walking was challenging. Where I failed most of all was to not adapt my eating habits (a) to lose weight ‘at all’ and (b) to compensate for the inability to work out.

The ultimate weight-loss principle is and always will be ‘eat less, move more’. I started this Challenge by using the ‘move more’ approach and that worked. But when the injury kicked in I did not then apply the ‘eat less’ approach and that has meant, well, failure. There are 34 days left so I can still do something, but I am not going to hit my original target unless Montezuma seeks terrible revenge, and as far as I know I have not offended any Mexican gods.

Of course, as a personal development writer this has to reflect on my reputation – a bit. I occasionally feel like the clown who is sad inside: the clown, promoting laughter and entertainment while forever crying inside. But part of my challenge might be that I eventually face the possibility that I am comparing my situation, and potential, to that of the truly great writers, performers and coaches in this field, and looking to play like Ronaldo while only having the talent of a (insert name of good, non-International football player here).

I am reluctant to settle for less than ‘perfection’. Nobody should do that. But even perfection is subjective, because as soon as it is achieved someone will always come up with an even better version of it. And even if I did approach an ideal version of me, that very approach would inevitably identify an even better ‘better’. That ‘even higher standard’ could be identified because one of the giants in my field found it, even if I didn’t. And then I would think ‘here I go again’.

Anyway, I will carry on moving ever forward, seeking to finally achieve those elusive, higher levels of personal congruence that will enable me to truly walk my talk and be the individual I would dearly love to be.

Perhaps, as I write that last sentence, I realise that I have to ask myself some sobering questions:

“Am I willing to work hard enough to be the man I want to be? Exactly how dearly do I want to be the best ‘me’ I can be? Do I want it enough? And – finally – do I actually have a clear idea of what that best ‘me’ will look like when I finally get to ‘be’ that person?”

I guess we’ll find out. But one thing must apply. I won’t blindly adopt other peoples’ standards and measure the final ’me’ against those. They have their values, beliefs and behaviours and they are not necessarily mine.

The ultimate identifier and judge of my congruence with my values and unifying principles will be – me. Eventually.

Value your Values, Value Your SELF.

15 Sunday Nov 2015

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“The time is always right to do what is right.” Martin Luther King

“Values have been carved on monuments and spelled out in illuminated manuscripts. We do not need more of that. They must be made to live in the acts of me.” John W. Gardner

Actually, that last quote should have read ‘acts of men’. I was about to correct it when I recognised the existence of a Freudian typo – the values with which I profess to be congruent need to be lived within ME.

I was on a train this week and it is my routine when I do so to listen to music and read. I like being left to my reverie and to reinforce my understanding of the material I teach. It is a shame that I am societally prevented from belting out ‘It’s All Coming Back To Me’ (Meatloaf, best version), but maybe the other passengers would find that a blessing.

This week I was looking at a netbook I’m pretty sure I haven’t used in YEARS, and I discovered an old mission statement from, I believe, the mid-noughties. It spoke to me. It contained a list of values and behaviours and they all shouted, “Well?”

The list included things like discipline, effort, focus, temperance and so on. I reflected on what I read and like most of you reading this I concluded – “Making a good start, could be a LOT better, about time I tried harder.”

But it’s oh so haaaaaaard. As King alludes to, this means every drive-by of the fridge means exercising restraint. It means every time I see a car with fog lamps on in broad daylight I must not aim at them. It means – it means exercising integrity, and conscience, in every single moment of choice. In a way, it implies a need to live like a saint.

Except so few of us will ever be saints. Especially me. But we can do two things.

First, in recognising that we are fallible we can excuse the odd straying from the path provided we acknowledge that error, learn from it, and try not to repeat it. Even though we know we probably will transgress we can at least try not to.

Secondly, in recognising that we are fallible we can recognise that others are fallible, too. Which means not going ‘AHA!’ when they fail, realising that what we think is going on in their heads isn’t in fact the case, or that what is going on in their heads means that when they have made their error it is because they were distracted, or (and here’s one I thought of this week) that what we think is going on is, in fact, better for us than what we thought we wanted to happen. That it is not a transgression of integrity, it is in fact exercise of integrity and we just didn’t realise straight away.

Back to ‘us’. If we have values, we have them because we believe in them. Happiness comes from total compliance, misery comes from total non-compliance. Most of us live somewhere in between, most of the time. Try and have a holiday somewhere towards the former, now and then.

It’ll be worth it.

My thoughts this week are with those affected by the terrorist atrocity committed in Paris on the night of the 13th of November 2015.

VIVE LA FRANCE.

How to be like Malala Yousafzai.

08 Sunday Nov 2015

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“Integrity is never painless.” M. Scott Peck

At the moment we are being bombarded with adverts made by luvvies encouraging us to go and see the inevitable-soon-to-be-on-DVD film about Malala Yousafzai.

(Wow – no MSWord spellcheck: that’s how famous she must be).

(I’ll admit I am jaded by the ads: not because of the subject matter but by the luvvies, where I’m not sure of the balance between their genuine admiration for her, and their need to feel associated with her for publicity purposes. Cynical, yes, I know.)

But her story does illustrate Peck’s quote as topically as I can think of at the moment. Those of us in the personal development field are well versed in telling the stories of Ghandi and Mandela, Lincoln and Joan of Arc. But Malala is a modern – and arguably more ‘real’ example of integrity being shown while under real danger of intense pain. I say more real because the other stories are historic and based on what we know after these people became acknowledged greats. They achieved magnificence and then we found out how great they were. They had causes which affected millions, but that affect came later, as did their celebrity.

But Malala was ‘just’ a schoolgirl. She wasn’t planning to overthrow an unjust government. She didn’t plan to free a country. She wasn’t going to do any of those things.

She only thing she was going to – was school.

I might propose the hypothesis that integrity is easy when you have money and power to support and fund it. That would be trite but there would also be an element of reality infused in such a statement. I would find it easier to be ‘fit and healthy’ if I could afford gym membership, a personal trainer and large helpings of salmon as the mainstay of my diet. I’d find it easier to serve charities if I didn’t feel the need to keep the money I have, and to earn some more just to have a decent holiday now and then.

But – and this sounds a bit conceited – I could be more like Malala in one way, because what Malala did we can all do. It didn’t take money, it didn’t need intellect, and while it took courage it didn’t necessarily require ‘bravery’.

She believed in her right to be educated. So she went to school. She knew it was trouble but I am willing to bet that she never once thought she’d be killed for doing it. That kind of thing happens to other people, right? Like smokers who won’t get cancer, drinkers who won’t be alcoholics, and 17-year-old binge eaters who presumably won’t ever be 40 with a slower metabolism, it wasn’t her who’d be ‘the one’.

But that doesn’t alter the fact that she wanted to be educated, and so she went out and got educated even though it would have been easier not to run that risk at all.

Integrity sometimes sucks. But what a hole of a world it would be if some of us, indeed most of us, didn’t demonstrate some sense of personal integrity now and then. When we are called upon to tell the truth because not doing so would be a surrender to convention or corrupt influence, or cowardice, for example. When going for a long run when it’s raining. When challenging a divisive culture in the face of that culture, and the cowards that allow it to thrive.

It might feel like we’re risking everything, but unlike Malala we’re often only really risking inconvenience. We can at least have that much courage, can’t we?

Peace – is hard work!

27 Sunday Sep 2015

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“Our integrity is the basis of our confidence in ourselves and the confidence we inspire in others. ~ Self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions.” Stephen R Covey

What feeds great personal self-esteem? What brings great personal peace of mind? Surely the answer MUST be the firm confidence that we are acting absolutely in keeping with our self-expectations and, where there is no conflict, where we are acting wholly in accordance with the expectations others have of us.

What undermines self-esteem, peace of mind and self-confidence are the doubts that arise when realise that we are not acting with integrity or we are not producing the results we, or those we serve, expect from us – and that the reason those expectations aren’t being met is entirely down to us.

We aren’t doing what we promised. We aren’t making the calls we said we’d make. We aren’t supporting someone as indicated. We aren’t exercising, we aren’t producing the results we know we can.

When those things happen we undermine our self-confidence, we reduce the ability and willingness of others to trust us, and as a result we lose any hope of having inner peace. Integrity and inner peace are intertwined. The one feeds on the other. And self-esteem is starved if integrity is lacking. It’s the vitamin that makes you healthy of mind. Enough of that metaphor.

What will you do this week to make sure that you act with integrity and achieve peace of mind? What results will you promise to make – tacitly or implicitly – that your integrity and conscience will demand of you? Will you exercise 6 times? Will you speed up your actions? Will you have those conversations you would otherwise avoid?

Get to it – work hard at achieving peace!

The Three Resolutions and Maslow’s Hierarchy

28 Sunday Jun 2015

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“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Gandhi

Do you recall Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. To pinch Wikepedia’s entry (to save blistered fingertips):

“Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid with the largest, most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top.”

Maslow

The ‘idea’ is that once a lower need is satisfied it no longer motivates, and the individual seeks satisfaction of the next level, and so on until the highest level is sought and/or achieved. So once one is physically satisfied one moves on to security, then relationships are sought, then self-esteem and in the original version, self-actualisation. (PS – apparently Maslow NEVER used a pyramid!)

I have seen it opined that Self-Actualisation results when once activities are wholly in keeping with ones values, and to be frank can’t think of any better interpretation. Once you achieve what you value (whether it be money, property, happiness, adventure, etc.) on a consistent basis, you have congruence between what you want and what you have. Provided, therefore, that what you want is the result of competence (work) and character (attitude, standards, respect), which in turn resulted from some level of self-discipline, you will be content if not happy – certainly at peace with yourself – and you shall have exercised the first two of The Three Resolutions. And you will have demonstrated integrity – you ‘couldn’t not have’.

But two points remain to be stated. First of all, it is unlikely that anyone can reach self-actualisation without, as a result of compliance with the ‘Social’ needs, having become engaged in some kind of service. I can’t see how one could create client relationships or colleague relationships without committing to the provision of service at some level, after all. So the Third Resolution has been approached in some way.

The second point is the lesser known fact that Maslow, as he approached the end of his life, opined that the hierarchy was incomplete. He added Self-TRANSCENDENCE to it. Self-transcendence is the point at and after which we have grown past ‘self’ and live in such a way as to create synergistic results with and for other people. In other words, service becomes not a part of the social need to relate to others, but instead becomes the driver. The social need is promoted above our own need.

And this, to a greater degree than ever, is where The Third Resolution comes into its own. Noble purpose and service to others, provided out of desire and not ‘just’ social or physical (income) need.

Seek to serve. You are allowed to earn income from it, but try and do something for nothing, too.

Teaching Others About Who You ARE.

22 Monday Jun 2015

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“I preach my philosophy constantly and, where necessary, I use words.” St Francis of Assisi.

An expression comes to mind, specifically the cliché “Tell it like it is.” If you are visibly living in accordance with your beliefs and impressing upon others through your behaviours that you are congruent, you can support your efforts to impress the efficacy of living that way by talking about what you are doing. To again use the example of St Francis, to ‘use words’ where necessary. Living congruently shows others how you have integrity, but what else can you do? You can teach using words, in a way that people listen.

In order to teach using the Auditory Learning Mode it is necessary to have two abilities. First of all, and this is the result of dutiful study when what you are to teach, you have to understand your values deeply enough to be able to explain the logic and philosophy behind them, particularly if questioned.

Next, you have to be able to talk about them confidently, passionately, imaginatively and with authority.

Confidently – speaking about your values confidently exemplifies your own confidence in them. You believe in them, and the way you talk about them is proof of that.

I have a friend whose knowledge and belief in Stephen Covey’s leadership principles is shown in the impassioned and expert way he talks about them not only in seminars but in the one to one conversations we’ve had. There is no pretence, no lack of understanding, no hesitation in being able to talk about them, nor in being willing to talk about them. My friend has absolute belief and conviction in the principles, and it shows when he talks.

The skill of speaking is also a prerequisite. So few people seem to have the skill to elucidate fluently. My own recommendation would be to practice through attendance and observation at speaker clubs such as those provided by The Association of Speakers Clubs (UK) and Toastmasters (international). Doing this raises your confidence and skill levels in speaking, thus supporting any efforts you wish to make in explaining your values and beliefs through the Auditory Mode.

Passionately – speaking with passion underlines and emphasises the confidence you have, but adds emotional intensity to the message. You can teach others your values in a monotone, emotionally passive and logical way, but clear emotional involvement provides an emphasis that is invaluable when it comes to showing how much it means to have integrity.

Imaginatively – if you can speak not only from experience but through the use of metaphor, your message will have more impact. If your metaphors are directly relevant to the people to whom you are sending the message they will be more prone to firstly understanding the message, and then to accepting it.

Authority – some people lack the ability to believe in or even merely accept something unless there is some objective authority standing behind it. Some listeners want to hear the science or legal basis for a statement before they would accept it is true, so being prepared through your studies to answer those questions is prudent. But where no such scientific or legal foundation is easily found then it is just as acceptable to use experience. For example, if challenged about the basis for an argument, refer to metaphor. Ask someone if they drive – they usually do –and then ask them for the scientific basis for the internal combustion engine, transmission and gears, and the physics of mechanical and aerodynamic grip. Assuming you haven’t just challenged an engineer (pick your battles carefully), and they reply that they don’t need to know that in order to drive (or you tell them they don’t need to know it) ask them why it’s okay for them to drive without that engineering knowledge but your belief in your values and in what you are speaking about isn’t allowed that benefit.

Being able to explain your values audibly is empowering not only because of the background knowledge obtained when learning about them but because (like my friend) the more you speak of it then the better you know it – and the easier, and more consistently, you are able to congruently – especially when challenges arise that mean living them is harder.

Promises, promises.

14 Sunday Jun 2015

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“If you cultivate the habit of always keeping the promises you make, you build bridges of trust that span the gaps of understanding between you and others.” Stephen R Covey

Specifically covered by The Second Resolution, the making, and more pertinently, the keeping of promises is an excellent example of great character.

When you make a promise you create an expectation in someone else upon which they place reliance that you will do what you say you will do. As a result, they make plans, commitments, or promises of their own.

Which means that when we break a promise, we have a greater effect on the relationship than perhaps we considered when we changed our mind about our commitment. We didn’t just ‘not do’ something for X – we possibly prevented them from doing something for someone else, or enjoying some event, or earning income. In that decision to break a promise, we broke that relationship, possibly for good. And we may have affected our fellow’s relationships with others, too.

Of course some promises cannot be kept, for reasons outside our control. But even then, there are those who, rather than communicate the new change in circumstance, elect to say nothing and hope no-one notices.

There are character-based ways to prevent the breaking of a promise, or to ameliorate that breakage, however.

First of all – be careful about making the promise in the first place. Be absolutely positive that you will come through on the commitment you are making, without fail.

Next – before making a commitment, consider all the factors surrounding it. Who’s involved? Where? How? What are the time considerations, the legalities, the ethics, and so on? What could happen to prevent completion on the deal? If there is a problem anticipated, then either don’t make the promise, or make sure the conditions for keeping it are made absolutely clear.

And if you absolutely must break the promise, communicate the fact and the reason immediately it arises. Don’t leave someone in hope that you will come through, when you know that you won’t.

I am a bit of a freak when it comes to punctuality. I accept watches can be a bit ‘out’, by a minute or so – but after about 5-10 minutes, you are late and you have communicated to me that I, or my needs, are secondary. If you have a mobile phone (and who doesn’t, these days?), PHONE ME and let me know you’ll be late, and why. I don’t need to be upset or angry, so make sure I’m not.

In the end, character is about integrity. While honesty means matching your words to your deeds, integrity means matching your deeds to your words. What you say, I accept to be so. Let me down once – I doubt you from then on.

Don’t let people down with your mouth.

Just a second!

15 Friday May 2015

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“I work hard each day to bring my performance into congruence with my Unifying Principles.” Me

And here’s a short list of the challenges (excuses?) that face us when we try to do that.

Social pressure – when those around us either doubt we can do it and say so out loud, or when they actively denounce your values and attack you for having them.

Distraction – in an age of immediacy through technology it is easy to be pulled away from a desired intent in the moment.

Influence – when the interests of other parties (particularly when they have power through wealth, the media (my favourite) or strength), are pushed at you constantly in an effort to drive your emotions where they want them to go and not where you need them to go.

Confidence – or more accurately a lack of self-confidence arising in the instant you need confidence the most.

Convenience – when the easier option shouts loudest.

There are probably lots more you can think about, perhaps the ones that affect you most in your own circumstances. But there’s an answer. Stephen Covey’s original 6-step weekly planning process (later slightly watered down for simplicity) included this step. It’s a simple phrase to remember, and it goes like this:

Exercise Integrity In The Moment Of Choice.

It simply means taking a moment to proactively make the better decision, a personal values-based and conscience-driven choice, the one that says:

“I will exercise, I love rain.”
“I won’t beep that idiot driver.” (Or ram him….)
“I won’t buy that burger, I’ll have the salad.”
“I won’t argue with my beloved.”
“I will write that letter/make that call/stretch myself/etc.”

It literally takes a second. The most effective ‘time management’ second you ever spend.

Not easy. In fact, quite difficult on occasion. But eminently effective and productive. And in the end, incredibly satisfying.

K

Smug Mode

Bringing Behaviours into Line with Values – or Bringing Values into Line with Behaviours?

19 Sunday Oct 2014

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Just musing the other day I considered one of my favourite Hobbs concepts, which is that of Congruity. He describes Congruity as being a core element of successful self-management, and used this diagram to show what he meant.

Consider these two Circles. One is representative of how we behave and the other is representative of our personal values, those things and states of being we consider to be important. In this diagram the two circles are quite far apart although there is an overlap. This illustration shows someone whose behaviours are often quite separate from what they believe in.

Congruence

Hobbs (and Smith and Covey) all agreed that the ‘ideal’ state of being is when the two Circles wholly overlap, when what we say and what we believe in is completely demonstrated in how we act. When we walk our talk. Hobbs called them ‘Unifying Principles’ because when what we valued became our behaviour, we were unified. We had integrity.

This got me to thinking as I traipsed around London looking at the self-help (ugly term) sections in the better bookshops – which activity comes first, the chicken or the egg? In our efforts to improve, do we or could we first choose Values or Behaviour?

I concluded that there are 5 approaches to this concept.

  1. We can do nothing about any of it.
  2. We can accept the values that we have learned over the years, and behave in accordance with those values.
  3. We can identify our values, and then ignore them whenever we decide it is convenient to do so.
  4. We can identify what our behaviours are first, and then identify what values our behaviours represent.
  5. We can design our lives by making a conscious decision on what our values should be if we are to get what we want in life, and then act in their accord.

Taking each in turn:

  1. We can do nothing. Many who decry the self-help drive are those who live in the moment, who give little or no thought to what their values are and who would probably have trouble identifying more than three if they were pressed. This isn’t necessarily bad but it isn’t the best. But their lives are often dependent upon circumstances rather than intent.
  2. We can accept the values that we have learned over the years, and behave in accordance with those values. This is probably the most common state of affairs. This is what Covey called ‘determinism’ in various forms, but the crux of it is that when we live like this we are ‘being lived’ by our upbringing and by the standards of those with whom we spend our time. This is fine if the people we spend time with are not unprincipled, dishonest, unfaithful, or demonstrate any of the other self-destructive and undisciplined behaviours that we know, in our conscience, will not serve us or anyone else. It may suit you because the people you mix with are disciplined people of great character. If this is so, you can identify your values from theirs, and live accordingly. But then you have still made a choice by not choosing – see 5.
  3. We can identify our values, and then ignore them whenever we decide it is convenient to do so. This is a poor way to live, and is possibly one great cause of personal stress and/or guilt – the knowledge that we are deliberately not living according to the rules that we actively set for ourselves.
  4. We can identify what our behaviours are and then identify what values apply. This is the life of the person who can misbehave, err, pre-judge and generally act as he or she feels because whenever challenged they will find an excuse for what they just did. It’ll be ‘freedom’, ‘liberalism’, ‘identity’, or ‘to put it to the man’. It is willing defiance of authority just for the sake of establishing their independence, while wholly ignoring the interdependence of life. It is the telling of rational lies.
  5. We can design our lives by making a conscious decision on what our values should be if we are to get what we want in life, and then act in their accord. This is the only sensible option and the one representative of a higher intellectual approach to living (in my opinion), but it is often the hardest one to carry out. First of all, identifying the values themselves can be difficult because finding the right words with the right meaning can be problematic. Then, assuming we’ve defined our identified values appropriately, we come up against the obstacles of peer-pressure, societal norms and our own convenience when trying to execute on them.

Hobbs called them Unifying Principles, most others call them Values. One writer called them ‘valuables’ but I suspect he’s one of those who uses different terms for the same things just to seem (annoyingly) different while not actually being different, but I digress.

“Unifying Principles”. To wholly mix up philosophical terms, the objective is to live in accordance with your own identified and defined, timeless, understood, self-evidently true and extrinsically existing ‘truths’, rather than constantly bob and weave between doing the right thing one minute and having to make excuses the next.

I’m still trying. Are you?

Weekly Challenge

Decide which of the 5 you are compliant with, conclude number 5 is the only sensible option and make sure you identify and define your Unifying Principles/Values if you haven’t already done so.

For those who have done this, watch your behaviour throughout the week and see if the circles are, or are not overlapping!

Blog Part

Mixed week. I have been running in accordance with the plan with the exception of a day off to rest a twisted back, only to try to run on the same twisted back the next day. Interestingly, running on the twisted back made it better. The weight loss continues, but we’ve just spent 2 days in London – stuck with Slimfast on the first day but eating in a diner meant a risky calorie load – or not, I just don’t know yet!

Yesterday I was able to provide service for my Institute with two business meetings so I’m glad I can still contribute despite ‘retirement’.

Mini-Blog 2 – Self-Leadership before hierarchal leadership.

01 Wednesday Oct 2014

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People who can’t lead themselves will never be true leaders because those whom they are supposed to lead will see that incongruence.

I recall one colleague who, when in the CID, draped his clean shirts on hangers off the (open) office noticeboard and kept his collection of breakfast cereals in the top of his in-trays. Not pretty, not professional. (He was a worker, I’ll give him that.)

When he was promoted, the first tangible thing he did was put a notice on the door of the men’s  locker room door (i.e. private and out of the view of everyone else) stating that items hanging off locker doors MUST be stored away tidily or they would be removed. Now tell me what I thought of him as a leader.

Are you consistent with your behaviour? Do your actions reflect your word? If not, in the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard – “Make It So!”