Tag Archives: integrity

Incongruence cost me – don’t let it cost you.

09 Thursday Apr 2020

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Ever done something you wish you hadn’t? Ever spoken down to someone when you didn’t mean to? Ever knowingly broken a rule, then regretted it? Ever judged a situation at a time of emotional disquiet, acted accordingly and then realised you had it wrong and always did – but let your emotion rule your thinking?

I’ve done most, if not all of those. And in each case, the fault lay within my acquiescing to the deed because I wasn’t wholly acting congruently – that is, either with my own values or (and this is important) the stated values of the organisation for which I was working. I may not have agreed wholeheartedly with those values but I should have accepted and complied with them. Silly me.

In lesser circumstances, the lack of integrity had short term results – poorer relationships that meant reluctance to engage with someone when I really needed to do so. Phone calls being put off, visits being postponed, and so on.

In the worst case, I felt I had to leave my job. Not entirely because of the offending act but because of the untenable situation it left me in. Nevertheless, the time management/productivity consequence of my failure to act with congruence was no job to manage or to be congruent about.

In TimePower, Charles R. Hobbs discussed how a lack of personal integrity – which I never thought was different to professional integrity but my job loss suggests otherwise! – causes problems not just in the productivity sense but also in terms of our own sense of self-esteem.

(I’ve known people use the term ‘personal self-esteem‘. What other kind of self-esteem could there be?)

When we fail to meet our own standards we tend to dwell on that failure. I’m not talking about failure in the sporting sense. If we didn’t fail to win at sports, no-one else would, either. To paraphrase Ziglar, if someone didn’t come second the winner wouldn’t have been first, they’d have been ‘only’. I’m talking about the kind of failure that our conscience tells us is our own damn fault.

In other words, failing to act with integrity – congruence with our personal beliefs or those we have adopted – wastes time in self-examination, further self-doubt, lack of self-confidence and, potentially, a whole host of other things that stop us doing, effectively, what we are supposed to be doing.

Now ‘retired’, I find that my biggest regret isn’t the lost money I would have earned, but the inability to do the work I had the opportunity to do. And the realisation that even when I wasn’t happy at work, I could have been. Which is an odd thing to write about stressful work but it’s true. I now have less to manage my time about, and less of a need to have high professional standards.

Which isn’t to say I won’t have high amateur standards!

Of course, some lucky people have no personal or professional values, so their integrity can float around complying with anything it likes, so they never fracture their self-esteem.

And do you realise just how much you can’t trust those people?

In conclusion, therefore, I encourage you to spend time identifying your values fully, then decide whether you’ve complied with them so far and then how you’re going to be congruent with them from now on. That’s NOW ON, not ‘in the future’, which is a bit nebulous. If you need help in doing that, it is available HERE. At no cost.

It IS worth the effort, and NOW is the time.

Eight lies for every one. Well done, you.

20 Thursday Feb 2020

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Disingenuous. A word used by politicians when they are lying. Of course, they aren’t ‘really’ lying. They are twisting definitions and facts to fit their rhetoric. They will knowingly argue that black is white by arguing that certain words and facts underpin their case, while deliberately – sorry, unintentionally – ignoring or hiding the truth.

I wonder how many people on LinkedIn find that political method annoying? Lots of you? Most of you?

How about the ones who have been ‘nominated’ for an Award – having applied to win it? How about organisations that are ‘recommended’ or ‘endorsed’ by authoritative sounding bodies, when in fact they are truly neither and have paid for an advert. ‘Well, if the august body accepts our money for an ad, surely that is an endorsement? After all, they won’t accept money from just anybody.’ (Oh, and yes, it has an exclusivity clause so no-one else can be ‘endorsed’.)

How about the ‘I am delighted to be given this (poison chalice) as it is an opportunity to (delete as applicable)?’

A few years ago, some Police Federation reps were hauled over the coals for being ‘disingenuous’ about what a politician had just said to them in a meeting. In front of the Home Affairs Select Committee they apologised for the misunderstanding.

Personally, I think I’d have pointed out to the MPs on said committee that we’d learned about lily-guilding by watching them. But of course, politicians can be disingenuous. The rest of us are liars.

We all lie. Mainly to ourselves about food, drink, fags and exercise. Personally, I try my best not to. I pride myself on telling the truth even if it doesn’t serve me to do so. I recently underwent exactly that experience. I’m probably far from perfect but I do my best. I consider it a matter of personal integrity. (Which, unfortunately, wasn’t matched by the lauded principle of ‘forgiveness’. But that wasn’t the motive, anyway.)

Which is why, when I read some of the exaggerations and hyperbole on LinkedIn, I grieve for the days when people just told the truth. I mourn the day when our betters started receiving advice on how to avoid questions, how to twist truths to suit them, how to pee on our boots while bemoaning the weather.

But I mourn, most of all, the day when ‘we’ – or some of ‘us’ – decided that if it’s okay for them to do it, it’s okay for us to do it, too.

Research has suggested that for every lie we tell, we need to tell seven more to cover for it. Imagine that – when a politician tells one lie, there are seven more close behind that we may never even hear.

And that great ‘independent and free press’ that prides itself on holding politicians to account? They do exactly the same, every day, with their half-truth headlines designed to attract your attention, and their half-arsed apologies when they’re caught out.

Okay, I surrender. Instead of pretending your telling the truth, just lie. Just talk bull, lie to me, exaggerate and just stay dishonest. As Captain Jack Sparrow put it, “I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly… stupid.”

Or you can try Gary King’s Truth Challenge.

I dare you.

Even he failed – but made no excuse.

15 Friday Nov 2019

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A wise man once wrote, “I personally struggle with much of what I have shared (in this book). But the struggle is worthwhile and fulfilling. It gives meaning to my life and enables me to love, to serve – and to try again. The challenge to live with integrity is always in front of me.” (My italics.)

We all make mistakes. I recently made a monumental one. But the beauty of mistakes made by people with integrity is that (a) the pain is lessened because you know you can and will do better and (b) those who know you, know (a).

And we all make excuses. I have a philosophy on excuses. It goes like this – when you say why something happened and you acknowledge your part in it, that’s a ‘reason’. When you fail to acknowledge your own part in an error, you’re making an ‘excuse’.

The difference is subtle and relates to your integrity. You know when you are making one or the other. If you (normally) have a high level of personal integrity and you make an excuse – you know you’re doing so.

As alluded to by the writer of the opening quote, every moment is an opportunity to start again. Time, being linear, will not allow us to relive and repair the error before or as it is being made. But it does mean we can make a better decision, next time. Another of my favoured authors describes how trying to change the past is like firing an arrow into concrete – it bounces off and nothing changes. But firing an arrow into the future is like launching it into fresh earth – it can stick and be a guide. (I’m torturing the metaphor a bit, but you know what I’m getting at.)

I write on personal development and time management. Occasionally I will use current affairs to illustrate my points but the main focus is on counselling readers on a philosophy that might just improve their lives. Like them, I struggle with living 100% in keeping with the words I put on paper (except in time management, I’ve pretty much got that down pat). I occasionally make excuses for those times I fail to walk my talk as well as I should.

But I’m in good company. The author of the opening quote is Stephen R. Covey who, as you surely know by now, wrote the greatest book on principle-centred living ever written, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which is NOT a business book, even though it’s usually found in that section of a bookstore. (Still, after 30 years in print.)

If HE found it hard, I’ll live with my inability to do the same. But that’s not an excuse. It’s an acceptance of my imperfections. I’m still going to try hard. And then try again. And again. For as long as it takes and for as long as I live.

And if, on the day before I leave this mortal existence, it suddenly all gels – it would have been worth the effort.

(Blimey. I even impressed me with that line.)

Try hard. Keep trying. Do your best, accept reasons and challenge your own excuses.

The people around you – family and friends – will recognise this when you occasionally err. And that, my friends, is amazingly consoling when you fail.

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100-Day Challenge, Day 66. Truth Hurts. A lot.

04 Monday Sep 2017

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I have long been an advocate of integrity excellence, a fundamental (but not exclusive) element of which is honesty. The principle of truth, spoken loud. The valued exercise of telling it like it is, even when doing so discloses, as Al Gore would put it, an inconvenient truth.

And the inconvenient truth on Day 66 is this: while I maintain that the Principles of Excellence in the physical and mental spheres always work, I have failed to work the Principles. I have known what to do, but I have failed to do it.

In my defence, the ‘excellence’ I have sought to perform in the competencies I look to possess has resulted in my being appointed a ‘Masters Mentor’ with the Institute of Advanced Motorists, and I look to produce high-quality work on a professional level. I still do my funky thing for all those I seek to serve.

But physically I am a wreck. I am no further forward in terms of weight loss from Day 1. Exercise-wise I have the genuine reason of a knee injury which, as much as I tried to compensate through different approaches to exercise, just got too painful to move. Even walking was challenging. Where I failed most of all was to not adapt my eating habits (a) to lose weight ‘at all’ and (b) to compensate for the inability to work out.

The ultimate weight-loss principle is and always will be ‘eat less, move more’. I started this Challenge by using the ‘move more’ approach and that worked. But when the injury kicked in I did not then apply the ‘eat less’ approach and that has meant, well, failure. There are 34 days left so I can still do something, but I am not going to hit my original target unless Montezuma seeks terrible revenge, and as far as I know I have not offended any Mexican gods.

Of course, as a personal development writer this has to reflect on my reputation – a bit. I occasionally feel like the clown who is sad inside: the clown, promoting laughter and entertainment while forever crying inside. But part of my challenge might be that I eventually face the possibility that I am comparing my situation, and potential, to that of the truly great writers, performers and coaches in this field, and looking to play like Ronaldo while only having the talent of a (insert name of good, non-International football player here).

I am reluctant to settle for less than ‘perfection’. Nobody should do that. But even perfection is subjective, because as soon as it is achieved someone will always come up with an even better version of it. And even if I did approach an ideal version of me, that very approach would inevitably identify an even better ‘better’. That ‘even higher standard’ could be identified because one of the giants in my field found it, even if I didn’t. And then I would think ‘here I go again’.

Anyway, I will carry on moving ever forward, seeking to finally achieve those elusive, higher levels of personal congruence that will enable me to truly walk my talk and be the individual I would dearly love to be.

Perhaps, as I write that last sentence, I realise that I have to ask myself some sobering questions:

“Am I willing to work hard enough to be the man I want to be? Exactly how dearly do I want to be the best ‘me’ I can be? Do I want it enough? And – finally – do I actually have a clear idea of what that best ‘me’ will look like when I finally get to ‘be’ that person?”

I guess we’ll find out. But one thing must apply. I won’t blindly adopt other peoples’ standards and measure the final ’me’ against those. They have their values, beliefs and behaviours and they are not necessarily mine.

The ultimate identifier and judge of my congruence with my values and unifying principles will be – me. Eventually.

Value your Values, Value Your SELF.

15 Sunday Nov 2015

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“The time is always right to do what is right.” Martin Luther King

“Values have been carved on monuments and spelled out in illuminated manuscripts. We do not need more of that. They must be made to live in the acts of me.” John W. Gardner

Actually, that last quote should have read ‘acts of men’. I was about to correct it when I recognised the existence of a Freudian typo – the values with which I profess to be congruent need to be lived within ME.

I was on a train this week and it is my routine when I do so to listen to music and read. I like being left to my reverie and to reinforce my understanding of the material I teach. It is a shame that I am societally prevented from belting out ‘It’s All Coming Back To Me’ (Meatloaf, best version), but maybe the other passengers would find that a blessing.

This week I was looking at a netbook I’m pretty sure I haven’t used in YEARS, and I discovered an old mission statement from, I believe, the mid-noughties. It spoke to me. It contained a list of values and behaviours and they all shouted, “Well?”

The list included things like discipline, effort, focus, temperance and so on. I reflected on what I read and like most of you reading this I concluded – “Making a good start, could be a LOT better, about time I tried harder.”

But it’s oh so haaaaaaard. As King alludes to, this means every drive-by of the fridge means exercising restraint. It means every time I see a car with fog lamps on in broad daylight I must not aim at them. It means – it means exercising integrity, and conscience, in every single moment of choice. In a way, it implies a need to live like a saint.

Except so few of us will ever be saints. Especially me. But we can do two things.

First, in recognising that we are fallible we can excuse the odd straying from the path provided we acknowledge that error, learn from it, and try not to repeat it. Even though we know we probably will transgress we can at least try not to.

Secondly, in recognising that we are fallible we can recognise that others are fallible, too. Which means not going ‘AHA!’ when they fail, realising that what we think is going on in their heads isn’t in fact the case, or that what is going on in their heads means that when they have made their error it is because they were distracted, or (and here’s one I thought of this week) that what we think is going on is, in fact, better for us than what we thought we wanted to happen. That it is not a transgression of integrity, it is in fact exercise of integrity and we just didn’t realise straight away.

Back to ‘us’. If we have values, we have them because we believe in them. Happiness comes from total compliance, misery comes from total non-compliance. Most of us live somewhere in between, most of the time. Try and have a holiday somewhere towards the former, now and then.

It’ll be worth it.

My thoughts this week are with those affected by the terrorist atrocity committed in Paris on the night of the 13th of November 2015.

VIVE LA FRANCE.

How to be like Malala Yousafzai.

08 Sunday Nov 2015

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“Integrity is never painless.” M. Scott Peck

At the moment we are being bombarded with adverts made by luvvies encouraging us to go and see the inevitable-soon-to-be-on-DVD film about Malala Yousafzai.

(Wow – no MSWord spellcheck: that’s how famous she must be).

(I’ll admit I am jaded by the ads: not because of the subject matter but by the luvvies, where I’m not sure of the balance between their genuine admiration for her, and their need to feel associated with her for publicity purposes. Cynical, yes, I know.)

But her story does illustrate Peck’s quote as topically as I can think of at the moment. Those of us in the personal development field are well versed in telling the stories of Ghandi and Mandela, Lincoln and Joan of Arc. But Malala is a modern – and arguably more ‘real’ example of integrity being shown while under real danger of intense pain. I say more real because the other stories are historic and based on what we know after these people became acknowledged greats. They achieved magnificence and then we found out how great they were. They had causes which affected millions, but that affect came later, as did their celebrity.

But Malala was ‘just’ a schoolgirl. She wasn’t planning to overthrow an unjust government. She didn’t plan to free a country. She wasn’t going to do any of those things.

She only thing she was going to – was school.

I might propose the hypothesis that integrity is easy when you have money and power to support and fund it. That would be trite but there would also be an element of reality infused in such a statement. I would find it easier to be ‘fit and healthy’ if I could afford gym membership, a personal trainer and large helpings of salmon as the mainstay of my diet. I’d find it easier to serve charities if I didn’t feel the need to keep the money I have, and to earn some more just to have a decent holiday now and then.

But – and this sounds a bit conceited – I could be more like Malala in one way, because what Malala did we can all do. It didn’t take money, it didn’t need intellect, and while it took courage it didn’t necessarily require ‘bravery’.

She believed in her right to be educated. So she went to school. She knew it was trouble but I am willing to bet that she never once thought she’d be killed for doing it. That kind of thing happens to other people, right? Like smokers who won’t get cancer, drinkers who won’t be alcoholics, and 17-year-old binge eaters who presumably won’t ever be 40 with a slower metabolism, it wasn’t her who’d be ‘the one’.

But that doesn’t alter the fact that she wanted to be educated, and so she went out and got educated even though it would have been easier not to run that risk at all.

Integrity sometimes sucks. But what a hole of a world it would be if some of us, indeed most of us, didn’t demonstrate some sense of personal integrity now and then. When we are called upon to tell the truth because not doing so would be a surrender to convention or corrupt influence, or cowardice, for example. When going for a long run when it’s raining. When challenging a divisive culture in the face of that culture, and the cowards that allow it to thrive.

It might feel like we’re risking everything, but unlike Malala we’re often only really risking inconvenience. We can at least have that much courage, can’t we?

Peace – is hard work!

27 Sunday Sep 2015

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“Our integrity is the basis of our confidence in ourselves and the confidence we inspire in others. ~ Self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions.” Stephen R Covey

What feeds great personal self-esteem? What brings great personal peace of mind? Surely the answer MUST be the firm confidence that we are acting absolutely in keeping with our self-expectations and, where there is no conflict, where we are acting wholly in accordance with the expectations others have of us.

What undermines self-esteem, peace of mind and self-confidence are the doubts that arise when realise that we are not acting with integrity or we are not producing the results we, or those we serve, expect from us – and that the reason those expectations aren’t being met is entirely down to us.

We aren’t doing what we promised. We aren’t making the calls we said we’d make. We aren’t supporting someone as indicated. We aren’t exercising, we aren’t producing the results we know we can.

When those things happen we undermine our self-confidence, we reduce the ability and willingness of others to trust us, and as a result we lose any hope of having inner peace. Integrity and inner peace are intertwined. The one feeds on the other. And self-esteem is starved if integrity is lacking. It’s the vitamin that makes you healthy of mind. Enough of that metaphor.

What will you do this week to make sure that you act with integrity and achieve peace of mind? What results will you promise to make – tacitly or implicitly – that your integrity and conscience will demand of you? Will you exercise 6 times? Will you speed up your actions? Will you have those conversations you would otherwise avoid?

Get to it – work hard at achieving peace!

The Three Resolutions and Maslow’s Hierarchy

28 Sunday Jun 2015

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“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Gandhi

Do you recall Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. To pinch Wikepedia’s entry (to save blistered fingertips):

“Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid with the largest, most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top.”

Maslow

The ‘idea’ is that once a lower need is satisfied it no longer motivates, and the individual seeks satisfaction of the next level, and so on until the highest level is sought and/or achieved. So once one is physically satisfied one moves on to security, then relationships are sought, then self-esteem and in the original version, self-actualisation. (PS – apparently Maslow NEVER used a pyramid!)

I have seen it opined that Self-Actualisation results when once activities are wholly in keeping with ones values, and to be frank can’t think of any better interpretation. Once you achieve what you value (whether it be money, property, happiness, adventure, etc.) on a consistent basis, you have congruence between what you want and what you have. Provided, therefore, that what you want is the result of competence (work) and character (attitude, standards, respect), which in turn resulted from some level of self-discipline, you will be content if not happy – certainly at peace with yourself – and you shall have exercised the first two of The Three Resolutions. And you will have demonstrated integrity – you ‘couldn’t not have’.

But two points remain to be stated. First of all, it is unlikely that anyone can reach self-actualisation without, as a result of compliance with the ‘Social’ needs, having become engaged in some kind of service. I can’t see how one could create client relationships or colleague relationships without committing to the provision of service at some level, after all. So the Third Resolution has been approached in some way.

The second point is the lesser known fact that Maslow, as he approached the end of his life, opined that the hierarchy was incomplete. He added Self-TRANSCENDENCE to it. Self-transcendence is the point at and after which we have grown past ‘self’ and live in such a way as to create synergistic results with and for other people. In other words, service becomes not a part of the social need to relate to others, but instead becomes the driver. The social need is promoted above our own need.

And this, to a greater degree than ever, is where The Third Resolution comes into its own. Noble purpose and service to others, provided out of desire and not ‘just’ social or physical (income) need.

Seek to serve. You are allowed to earn income from it, but try and do something for nothing, too.

Teaching Others About Who You ARE.

22 Monday Jun 2015

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“I preach my philosophy constantly and, where necessary, I use words.” St Francis of Assisi.

An expression comes to mind, specifically the cliché “Tell it like it is.” If you are visibly living in accordance with your beliefs and impressing upon others through your behaviours that you are congruent, you can support your efforts to impress the efficacy of living that way by talking about what you are doing. To again use the example of St Francis, to ‘use words’ where necessary. Living congruently shows others how you have integrity, but what else can you do? You can teach using words, in a way that people listen.

In order to teach using the Auditory Learning Mode it is necessary to have two abilities. First of all, and this is the result of dutiful study when what you are to teach, you have to understand your values deeply enough to be able to explain the logic and philosophy behind them, particularly if questioned.

Next, you have to be able to talk about them confidently, passionately, imaginatively and with authority.

Confidently – speaking about your values confidently exemplifies your own confidence in them. You believe in them, and the way you talk about them is proof of that.

I have a friend whose knowledge and belief in Stephen Covey’s leadership principles is shown in the impassioned and expert way he talks about them not only in seminars but in the one to one conversations we’ve had. There is no pretence, no lack of understanding, no hesitation in being able to talk about them, nor in being willing to talk about them. My friend has absolute belief and conviction in the principles, and it shows when he talks.

The skill of speaking is also a prerequisite. So few people seem to have the skill to elucidate fluently. My own recommendation would be to practice through attendance and observation at speaker clubs such as those provided by The Association of Speakers Clubs (UK) and Toastmasters (international). Doing this raises your confidence and skill levels in speaking, thus supporting any efforts you wish to make in explaining your values and beliefs through the Auditory Mode.

Passionately – speaking with passion underlines and emphasises the confidence you have, but adds emotional intensity to the message. You can teach others your values in a monotone, emotionally passive and logical way, but clear emotional involvement provides an emphasis that is invaluable when it comes to showing how much it means to have integrity.

Imaginatively – if you can speak not only from experience but through the use of metaphor, your message will have more impact. If your metaphors are directly relevant to the people to whom you are sending the message they will be more prone to firstly understanding the message, and then to accepting it.

Authority – some people lack the ability to believe in or even merely accept something unless there is some objective authority standing behind it. Some listeners want to hear the science or legal basis for a statement before they would accept it is true, so being prepared through your studies to answer those questions is prudent. But where no such scientific or legal foundation is easily found then it is just as acceptable to use experience. For example, if challenged about the basis for an argument, refer to metaphor. Ask someone if they drive – they usually do –and then ask them for the scientific basis for the internal combustion engine, transmission and gears, and the physics of mechanical and aerodynamic grip. Assuming you haven’t just challenged an engineer (pick your battles carefully), and they reply that they don’t need to know that in order to drive (or you tell them they don’t need to know it) ask them why it’s okay for them to drive without that engineering knowledge but your belief in your values and in what you are speaking about isn’t allowed that benefit.

Being able to explain your values audibly is empowering not only because of the background knowledge obtained when learning about them but because (like my friend) the more you speak of it then the better you know it – and the easier, and more consistently, you are able to congruently – especially when challenges arise that mean living them is harder.

Promises, promises.

14 Sunday Jun 2015

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“If you cultivate the habit of always keeping the promises you make, you build bridges of trust that span the gaps of understanding between you and others.” Stephen R Covey

Specifically covered by The Second Resolution, the making, and more pertinently, the keeping of promises is an excellent example of great character.

When you make a promise you create an expectation in someone else upon which they place reliance that you will do what you say you will do. As a result, they make plans, commitments, or promises of their own.

Which means that when we break a promise, we have a greater effect on the relationship than perhaps we considered when we changed our mind about our commitment. We didn’t just ‘not do’ something for X – we possibly prevented them from doing something for someone else, or enjoying some event, or earning income. In that decision to break a promise, we broke that relationship, possibly for good. And we may have affected our fellow’s relationships with others, too.

Of course some promises cannot be kept, for reasons outside our control. But even then, there are those who, rather than communicate the new change in circumstance, elect to say nothing and hope no-one notices.

There are character-based ways to prevent the breaking of a promise, or to ameliorate that breakage, however.

First of all – be careful about making the promise in the first place. Be absolutely positive that you will come through on the commitment you are making, without fail.

Next – before making a commitment, consider all the factors surrounding it. Who’s involved? Where? How? What are the time considerations, the legalities, the ethics, and so on? What could happen to prevent completion on the deal? If there is a problem anticipated, then either don’t make the promise, or make sure the conditions for keeping it are made absolutely clear.

And if you absolutely must break the promise, communicate the fact and the reason immediately it arises. Don’t leave someone in hope that you will come through, when you know that you won’t.

I am a bit of a freak when it comes to punctuality. I accept watches can be a bit ‘out’, by a minute or so – but after about 5-10 minutes, you are late and you have communicated to me that I, or my needs, are secondary. If you have a mobile phone (and who doesn’t, these days?), PHONE ME and let me know you’ll be late, and why. I don’t need to be upset or angry, so make sure I’m not.

In the end, character is about integrity. While honesty means matching your words to your deeds, integrity means matching your deeds to your words. What you say, I accept to be so. Let me down once – I doubt you from then on.

Don’t let people down with your mouth.