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THE THREE RESOLUTIONS

Tag Archives: apologies

What!!?? It’s MY fault you offended me?

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Posted by threeresolutionsguy in Character and Competence

≈ Comments Off on What!!?? It’s MY fault you offended me?

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apologies, blurting, character, competence, defensiveness, getting caught, service, seven habits, Stephen R Covey", three resolutions, values

Years ago, I made a mistake. I sent an email to a small group, and accidentally sent it to the world. The content was accurate, but the world didn’t need to know it. Embarrassed, mea culpa, apologised publicly to the individual, copied in the world who’d read it.

Unfortunately, sometimes instead of mea culpa, people who make that kind of error don’t apologise. They double down like a wronged spouse, who raises every fault the husband (usually) has committed, ever. Their mistake is entirely YOUR FAULT. Everything you ever did (even if you didn’t) caused the offender’s error.

The unfortunate part is that doing this destroys any good will. The party who was publicly stabbed will no longer go the extra mile to serve the offender. Which may have impact on any corporate, commercial or community interest within which that offender works. Where a simple apology, taken in good humour, could have healed all wounds, the doubling down defensiveness adds infection to the mix.

And the really funny part is that people committing this error are usually people who would consider themselves ‘senior leaders’. They may have that title, but do they read the leadership material that espouses humility, integrity, honesty? Evidently not. Years ago, I wanted to be taken to task in bad faith by a certain boss, because he had a copy of Stephen Covey’s ‘Principle Centred Leadership’ on his bookshelf and I would’ve picked the book, turned to the relevant page and shoved it in his face.

(Unfortunately, I never managed to offend that particular chap.)

This is not an attack on any individual. We all make mistakes, and we all have regrets. I have many. And I seem to amass them quite frequently despite all my best efforts to live according to my ‘code of conduct’.

And that leads me to the other dimension of character errors such as blaming the person you’ve offended. If you don’t apologise, how can you be forgiven? Don’t you want good relationships? Do you want to be thought of badly? Is there something wrong with being liked?

My code requires me to apologise when I’m wrong. I made a bad character error on holiday, recently – impatience – and even though it took me a couple of days, I walked up to the person I offended, offered her flowers, apologised twice despite her repeated ‘no needs’, and walked away with a tear in my eye, partly because of her forgiveness but also because of my humility – which sounds backwards but it is really emotionally satisfying when you act as per your personal code of conduct when the potential consequences could be severe – she might have called security, after all!!

So next time you make a complete noodle of yourself, acknowledge your error, apologise (truly, not just say the words) and take whatever comes.

It is soul-affirming.

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I’m truly sorry. Emphasis on ‘truly’.

10 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by threeresolutionsguy in Character and Competence

≈ Comments Off on I’m truly sorry. Emphasis on ‘truly’.

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apologies, apology, sincerity, slavery, sorry

“To be a deposit, an apology must be sincere. And it must be perceived as sincere.” Stephen R Covey

In the magnificent TV series ‘NCIS’ the main protagonist Leroy Jethro Gibbs has 52 rules, one of which is ‘Never apologise’. Much as I admire Gibbs, I have to disagree.

I may have offended someone, and the way I feel when I just think I have offended someone is debilitating. Even, occasionally, to the point that I feel uncomfortable even if that ‘offence’ was committed while complying with my own values or because of a misunderstanding. For example, if I take a position on a legal point based on my unifying principles and am absolutely positive that my position is correct, then someone else’s taking of offence causes me upset. Go figure. In the same way, if my position turns out to be ill-informed, I feel guilty even though it was done through ignorance.

Which means when I say ‘I am sorry’, I really mean it. Now, a side benefit of such sincerity is the heightened likelihood of forgiveness for the offence, but that is not, I emphasise, why you should apologise. Apologising for the purpose of getting forgiven is not the point – apologising because it is called for is the motive. What happens afterwards is neither the motive, nor a given.

Ever had one of those conversations, “I’ll say sorry if you say sorry”? That is not an apology, that’s a negotiation with no meaningful intent to give anything in return for what is obtained.

A sincere apology is given because it is called for, not to get something in return. In fact, an apology is given because you’ve already taken something without permission. You’ve taken advantage, possession, or liberties. and that has an emotional cost on the offended party.

On the other side of the coin, I never apologise if I haven’t done anything. If I am wrong, I am wrong. If I am to blame, so be it. If I have done nothing wrong, if I have no responsibility for the offence, I will not apologise. One reason for not apologising is because to do so would be insincere. If I feel I have not offended, how can my apology have meaning?

I admit that governments’ apologies for any offence committed by their country 200 years before they were born offends me because it is absolutely meaningless. The offenders are dead; the chances are that the people making the 200-year-late apology have (more often than not) addressed and repaired the system or situation that would have called for the apology – for example, the UK apologising for slavery 240 years after being the first ‘civilised’ country to abolish it irks me. Particularly as many of the countries from which slaves were taken still exercise slavery in all but name. (You can be sorry it happened, without being responsible for it – that’s not an apology, it’s sympathy, which is different.) Demanding a meaningless apology serves no-one, nor will the apology mean anything. (Except to the lawyers waiting in the wings to sue ‘today’ for ‘yesterday’s’ tort.)

“When you bow, bow low” says the Chinese proverb, meaning when you apologise or show respect, mean it – or don’t bother.

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