Tag Archives: 7 Habits

It’s not someone else’s fault. It’s YOURS.

26 Sunday Mar 2017

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Almost every book I have read on personal development suggests that one key method for massive personal success is to get up at stupid-o’clock in the morning, strap on your trainers and go out of the front door to greet the day with a run. The first thing I note about such books is that they are frequently written by Mid- to South-Californians and not the Welsh. I would challenge any Californian to get up in Brecon at 5AM in December, strap on their Magnum boots and go for a skiddy run-fall-snap.

The other thing I note is that early morning for those NOT self-employed, childless and of independent financial means is a time of stress, trying to get ready to comply with the quite reasonable expectations of their employers and children, in whatever order. Bearing in mind that the old 9-5 day became the 8-4 some time ago if you wanted a parking space, and for the same reason the day is quickly becoming a 7-3 if you don’t want to park half a mile from your workplace, a 6AM run would only last 5 minutes anyway.

Yes, I know there ARE people who love that early run but we are not all the same. I tried an early run twice and it was miserable, even in summer. For me. Mid-day, early evening, love it. 6.30AM – shove it.

Hyrum Smith asks, “What do you do for the magic 3 hours from 5AM to 8AM?” To be frank, I usually sleep for the first two.

Which brings me to another reason I hate early morning runs. It’s my wife. When I wake up, the wife does, too. If you’re as lucky as me, when you wake up together you have an opportunity to hold each other for a while before you get up. I am not willing to lose that for an exercise opportunity.

The funny thing was that because of all those books, I started to blame t’wife for my failure to exercise because I didn’t want to deprive her (us) of that cwtch*. I wasn’t running because of her needs. It was her fault I was fat because I don’t run in the dawn gloom.

Blaming other people for our failures to execute in some life areas is easy. It absolves us of responsibility for what we aren’t doing that we know we should be doing. But that is a slippery slope, because one thing all the PD writers say that I absolutely agree with is that We are responsible for our situation, even if that responsibility lies only in how we choose to respond to our situation.

In other words, I am able to choose whether t’wife or an early morning run is the more important thing I need to do (I should rephrase that…).

I am able to decide what job I seek, even if I can’t dictate what I am expected to do when I get that job. I can decide how I respond to an imposition, and do a good job even though I didn’t want that (part of the) job in the first place.

Therefore, let me state quite clearly – I CHOOSE not to exercise in the morning. Just as, at the moment, I am choosing not to exercise at all. Which is a choice I must choose to change, and quickly, because I can’t find a reason not to. Damn it.

Oddly, when I am away from home I routinely go for a half hour on a treadmill at 6AM. Maybe it IS her fault after all………

In life, we are responsible for our decisions. Let’s make good ones but not just because someone promotes something that sounds good – it might not suit our situation and even if it might, what we gain may not be worth what we lose. Like cuddling a warm bum on a winter’s morn.

 

*Look it up, it’s Welsh.

Purpose – and process.

09 Tuesday Aug 2016

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Interim blog this week, just to keep you all refreshed.

The company that owns the intellectual property rights to The Seven Habits®, FranklinCovey, currently utilises an interesting diagram to illustrate a ‘process’ through which people can come to properly apply the 7 Habits Principles in their circumstances.

That diagram is this:

7H Egg

(Copyright © 2016 FranklinCovey, Inc)

I absolutely endorse and believe in the process that this diagram so beautifully illustrates, and suggest that whatever life philosophy you choose – and I recommend the 7 Habits® as a great one, and the Three Resolutions® as a viable alternative – this process is the method you should use to properly adopt that ‘new way’.

First, as with any philosophy or plan, you have to truly decide, genuinely and freely commit to whatever you have elected to apply. Without that commitment there will be no success, only something you can ‘talk’ about but which you don’t walk. (Yes, I know………)

Then, apply Jack Canfield’s Principle ‘Act As If’, and start to model fully what it is you tell others you ‘are’. This is where integrity is born. This is where, even if you wander off the chosen path, you recognise that there is a path and you want to be walking along it. You ‘do’ what you have elected and promised to do, even if while doing it you feel as though there is a secret, internally felt element of pretence about what you are doing. You “fake it ‘til you make it”, but you do so specifically in order to make it, not to just seem to be making it. If that makes sense. (It does to me.)

That Modelling of your ideal ‘you’ is then reinforced until you are no longer faking it – you are doing it, you are doing it consistently, and people around you can see just how committed you are. In fact, they might not see it because they have accepted that it IS you. There is no change evident – you have arrived, so to speak.

But nothing happens without first making that commitment, so the advice I give in my book The Three Resolutions remains valid – do not commit until you are truly willing to put everything into your performance of your adopted philosophy.

And once you have done that – remember the above illustration.

 

If you haven’t done so yet, please visit Amazon HERE and ‘Look Inside’ to see more about The Three Resolutions and how it might change your life on your own, better terms.

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The secret to a great relationship. Shut up and Listen!

13 Sunday Mar 2016

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“Listen – lest your tongue will make you deaf.” Stephen R Covey (from an old proverb).

Listening is the hardest skill in the world, for a number of reasons. First of all, it isn’t taught in schools. You are taught three other communication methods – reading, writing, and arithmetic (which is a communications tool, in a sense), but you are only told to listen, but never taught how.

Secondly, we have a tendency to listen only with the intention to reply, to the degree that our reply is yelling inside our head even before the other party has fully made their point. I see this on all political affairs programmes when someone starts to make a point and the (ideologically opposed) other party butts in quite rudely to accuse party one of saying or thinking something they haven’t yet actually disclosed. (It’s also standard fayre in television dramas where the eavesdropper only hears what the drama requires they hear, instead of staying to hear it all – like real people. I digress.)

But hard as it is, it is often quite informative and interesting to just shut the hell up and listen. If the other party has something important to say, it’ll be worth hearing. If they are going to make a fool of themselves then the same applies.

You cannot challenge a party’s thinking if you haven’t taken the time to fully hear and understand what that thinking actually is.

In less combative scenarios, shutting up remains important. I’m writing here about, ahem, domestic situations. Occasionally, when one’s partner starts having a rant about something you are doing, have done or are about to do wrong (usually this applies to a man!), the temptation – oh boy, do I know this – is to react defensively and, to quote the old joke, that’s when the fight starts.

It is occasionally better to let the moment pass, use the gap between stimulus and response to use your self-awareness, imagination, will and conscience and just say nothing. Accompanied by the audibly sucked in sigh, I grant you. But shut up all the same.

Doing that requires competence in the application, but character in the thinking behind it.

As I have espoused here, allowing yourself to stop and think that you may be wrong is a way of developing intellectually. But allowing others the brief belief that you are wrong, when you are not wrong, is a way of ensuring that a relationship stays on course.

Let the moment pass, and let your actions clarify and show the accuracy of your thinking, while at the same time demonstrating sensitivity to the emotional state of the other party.

Not easy. But application of The Second Resolution is a great way to stay married.

For more on The Three Resolutions, go HERE to read the first pages of the book.

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Serve others – because in doing so you will serve yourself.

06 Saturday Feb 2016

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“A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations.” Patricia Neal and Richard DeNeut

I had the pleasure, honour and challenge of presenting a principle-centred leadership programme to a class of young people this week, which makes the above quote a little more appropriate and timely. Years ago I approached the UK arm of the 7 Habits ‘people’ about providing Seven Habits training to schools, and as they’d already thought of it themselves (DUH!) they were piqued by my interest and invited me along to a consultation on the subject. Much later I was able to fund and provide a full 7 Habits for Teens programme at a local school, and after a lot of other opportunities came my way I am now able to provide such training on a more formal basis.

When I first started following the 7 Habits, which was as a result of reading First Things First and being enthralled and inspired by the approach to principle centred living, one of the most impactive thoughts I had was, “Why wasn’t I taught this in schools?” As a (then) 35-year-old having a bit of a crisis, and coming through it because of what I had read and applied, I was almost embittered by the fact that I had learned this ‘stuff’ 17 years too late. In fairness, as it had only just become well-known since the publication of the book when I was 28 this was not entirely society’s fault.

But now this kind of training CAN be taught to schools throughout the world, and specifically in the UK, I would ask any of you involved in education to look at the site through which more details can be found, namely, http://www.learninganddevelopmentacademy.com .

Engaging young people and telling them that what society, their environment and their past tells them may not be true and that they are able to control, plan, prepare for and execute on their own destiny is immensely noble. Yes, my Third Resolution is being executed on by my providing this service to teenagers and their teachers, and at the same time this provision allows me to reinforce my own (usually poor) performance in this area.

We learn most what we teach. The more I teach this material the better I get, not only as an individual but as a teacher.

What do you do that teaches you as you serve? What sort of person have you become – or could you become – as a result of discovering your own noble purpose and serving others in a way that simultaneously serves you?

Find out. Then do it. It’d amazingly developmental.

 

For more on the Third Resolution, invest in The Three Resolutions at Amazon. Or get the Kindle version HERE.

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What do you believe in?

03 Sunday Jan 2016

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And what exactly are you doing about it?

The Third Resolution states, “To overcome the Restraining Forces of Aspiration and Ambition, I resolve to dedicate my talents and resources to noble purpose and to provide service to others.” This is achievable at many possible levels, but in the final analysis it is NOT done – and here I am being a tad accusatory – by signing a petition on Facebook, or ‘sharing’ a post which, if you are objective and sit back for a moment, you cannot be certain is real.

(I’ve lost count of pictures of someone/something where the post is circulated to capture someone for something evil they have done. When we have no knowledge if the post is actually true, or us in fact an attempt to destroy someone else’s reputation, or to find someone for evil purposes.)

Service requires something more than just agreeing with someone else’s opinion, more than putting a £1 in a charity tin. It requires positive, meaningful ACTION.

To illustrate, let me show off. I believe in The Seven Habits and associated philosophies. I believe in the professionalism of the investigation industry. So to positively act in respect of the former I funded and provided delivery of 7 Habits for Teens training at a local school and I have recently joined a group of people doing something similar on a national basis. In respect of the investigators I have, with others, produced a training course and oversee its delivery to students interested in becoming investigators.

In respect of both I was a volunteer, but the service provided and the associated experience has led to both now being real and potential sources of income. (Don’t anticipate being a millionaire but every little helps.)

And there is nothing wrong with being paid a reasonable, appropriate return for the provision of noble service to others. It’s how the world works. If you couldn’t earn money serving you’d starve. (David Middleton’s reported £250k pa from a charity seems a bit steep.)

But providing service based on what you believe in is a lot better than just trudging through life counting widgets when widget counting does not float your boat. If your work can’t reflect your beliefs, then volunteer in a way that does. You may find that being in the ‘service’ pond enables you to swim with the bigger fish that’ll take you better places. (Plaices? Sorry.)

And when push comes to shove, if you value only your family, then make sure that the service you provide is the one they want. Take them on holiday where THEY want to go. Buy the things they NEED, not just WANT.

And be there, be present. You don’t serve the family you say you value, by spending all your time earning money to buy the things that take up their attention so they don’t notice your absence.

For more on the Third Resolution, consider purchasing the book HERE.

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Religion without Sacrifice. (Don’t panic…)

15 Monday Dec 2014

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“Without sacrifice we may become active in a church but remain inactive in its gospel. In other words we go for the social façade of religion and the piety of religious practices.” Stephen R Covey

The 6th Deadly Sin is ‘Religion without Sacrifice’.

I know someone who went to church for a long time, but left when they started to realise that many people who went there professed faith and love but failed regularly to express it. In fact, such folk (like politicians, funnily enough) were visibly involved in self-aggrandisement within the hierarchy. If someone got in their way they seemed, shall we say, less charitable?

If you state, publicly, that you follow a certain path – whether that be a religious path or merely belief in a philosophy like the 7 Habits or the 3 Resolutions, then you should really try to exercise that philosophy in the moment of choice, and you should aim to do so consistently. In fact – and this is the hard part – you should be even more inclined to try to do that when it is most in-convenient, because that is when your commitment is most tested.

I find it hard, I admit. On the one hand I want to be a person of competence and good character and in the main I am, BUT occasionally something happens and I suddenly desire that the other driver involved crashes horrifically and dies in the blazing conflagration that their driving deserves. And I will always want to smash the fog-lights of people who use them in broad daylight or rain because it makes their car look pretty.

(Oops, heart on sleeve, there.)

I am no saint. Neither, I suspect, are you. But there’s no harm, and a great deal of gain, in at least moving in that direction. The First Resolution will provide you with the discipline to make better choices for yourself, and the Second Resolution will give you the character and the competence to make better choices for the benefit of others.

If it wasn’t for ‘people’ …….

31 Monday Mar 2014

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I have a tongue-in-cheek saying for my own role in a public service sector, and many readers will sympathise a little (in private) with it. It goes

“If it wasn’t for the public this would be a great job.”

They call us expecting us to deal with their problem as if it is the only problem we have to address. They see the TV and how things are sorted in half an hour (minus ad breaks) and expect us to do the same. They also seem to think that we don’t have time off at weekends and after hours, like they do.

But in absolute fairness, if it wasn’t for ‘people’ life would be a little humdrum. When you think about it –

“Everything we do, we do for someone, because of someone, or with someone.”

Consider your own circumstances. In truth, is there anything you do that does not come under one of those headings. Think broadly, because things you think you do on your own usually require either direct or indirect involvement of someone else – perhaps, for example, the inventor of the equipment you are using. (I lose count of people who hate ‘personal development’ books because they are ‘so American’: I ask them to give up their computers because they are pretty much American, too. Microsoft and Apple pretty much run the world in computer terms, after all.)

So, realising that all you do is because of, for or with the help of someone, perhaps your attitude towards the interference of ‘people’ in your life should mellow, just a teeny bit.

Then you can start to Think Win-Win with people, as per Habit 4 of the 7 Habits. That’s a whole new challenge! On courses I have attended, when asked what Habit 4 is, participants often shout back ‘Win-Win!’ and have to be gently corrected because the emphasis is as much on the Think as it is on the Win-Win. Habit 4 is the mindset of the Public Victory; Habit 5 (seek first to understand, then to be understood) is your part in the Technique, and Habit 6 (Synergise) is the combined execution that brings the desired result.

Just entering into a conversation, negotiation or situation with the mindset of mutual satisfaction with an end result makes a massive difference to the interaction between people – even the ones who you don’t want to interact with. So here’s a question Dr Covey used when he sensed the beginning of a dispute (for example with someone who opens with ‘the policy is….’).

“What is the nature of your concern?”

This requires an answer that comes from behind the initial objection to you getting the result you need. It asks, “If this policy is preventing us from agreeing, what is behind the policy – what caused that policy to come about?” All too often, the policy is designed as a safety blanket to prevent a problem that will not necessarily apply in your own situation, and is therefore changeable ‘just this once’ because a sense of trust and understanding – resulting from your own approach in Think Win-Win – allows it.

People – treated with respect and understanding they can be soooooo much nicer…….